Posts Tagged ‘humor’

The Cobbler

March 19, 2011

It was barely eight am

I just had my toast and jam

When along the windowsill there came a tap

I was taken by surprise

At the sight before my eyes

It was Mr. Burly Squirrel in a tweed suit

 

He said, “I don’t mean to barge in

But I’m in a little pinch

I was supposed to meet that finch from your backyard

We were calling it a date

I couldn’t hardly wait

And now it seems I’ve lost my lucky shoes

Oh, and what am I to do?”

 

“Have you seen where they have gone?

I last saw them on the lawn

They were drying from a coat of waterproof

In an hour I cam back

Nearly had a heart attack

When all that there remained was their imprint”

 

“Now I think that something’s up

It might be that old woodchuck

Or maybe those two jerks from the woodpile

Either way I’ve got it bad

They were the only pair I had

Do you think you may have something just my size?

Oh, what a day to be alive!”

 

Now I thought there for awhile

And I gave a little smile

How often does a squirrel come ask for shoes?

I’d like to help him out

But my head was full of clouds

How could I oblige this strange request?

 

But the weather in my brain

Soon dried up all the rain

The sky it was so clear and baby blue

And I knew just what to do

I grabbed my wallet and some glue

A razorblade, a hammer and some nails

And I started cobbling up a pair

 

When the last lace was in place

The look upon his face

There are no words in squirrel for gratitude

But I thought I saw a tear

As he grinned from ear to ear

And pulled those works of art onto his feet

 

He said, “You truly are a friend

If ever I can lend

Anything to you that’d be of use

You cut up your billfold…”

I said, “There was nothing for it to hold”

And wished him the best of luck upon his date

For which he was now an hour late

 

When he finally did arrive

The look in her bird eye

Could have set that whole back yard into a blaze

So he made up an excuse

She said, “You must be confused

If you think that I would buy that load of shit”

 

He said, “Babe, you’ve got it wrong”

And he sang out his whole song

And when he was all done she saw those shoes

She could even tweet

As she gazed upon his feet

And saw my handiwork done for the love

Oh, and they praised the lord above!

 

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An open letter to the Chelsea Water Department

August 9, 2010

For over the past year, ever since I moved into my apartment in Chelsea, I have noticed a very disturbing problem. It appears that there is human hair in the water supply. I noticed this after the very first shower I ever took here and the amount of hair has gradually increased over the year. But there are two questions that still need to be answered before we can take the appropriate measures to remedy the situation.

Question one: Why does the hair only seem to come out of the shower nozzle?

I have hypothesized many reasons for this, but feel most strongly about this one – Perhaps there is something specific to the aperture of the nozzle that allows hair to easily pass through? If this is true, then can one assume that the spouts for the bathroom and kitchen sinks have been specifically chosen for their resistance to passing hair? And if THIS is in fact true, than is there some agreement between the city and the building owners? I would have to assume that there is at this point and that is a scary thought – the city keeping this disgusting secret buried and working in tandem with building owners and city inspectors. That conclusion is almost as scary as my second question:

Why is the hair the same length and color as mine?

Now that is just freaky, because frankly, I don’t see a lot of people who have hair like mine. Sure, I know they are out there, but they are not in the city in which I live. Who are these people and why is their hair in the water supply? Unfortunately, asking these questions doesn’t change the fact that at the end of my showers (particularly the one’s when I wash my hair) there are still hundreds of strands lining the tub walls, curtain liner and ultimately congregating in large groups around the drain that are IDENTICAL to those on my head.

What if this hair is actually some sort of fungus or parasite that grows in the water supply? It is all the more gross to think, then, that my hair is an exact look-a-like to a type of rampant aquatic organism. Are they now living side by side with my healthy follicles? Which ones are the real ones? What if my hair is gradually being replaced by this menace? I can hear the taunts now once people figure out what my hair really resembles.

So I guess in conclusion, this is an open letter or rant to the City of Chelsea Water Department and the crooked apartment building owners – I’M ON TO TO YOU!!!