An open letter to the Chelsea Water Department

For over the past year, ever since I moved into my apartment in Chelsea, I have noticed a very disturbing problem. It appears that there is human hair in the water supply. I noticed this after the very first shower I ever took here and the amount of hair has gradually increased over the year. But there are two questions that still need to be answered before we can take the appropriate measures to remedy the situation.

Question one: Why does the hair only seem to come out of the shower nozzle?

I have hypothesized many reasons for this, but feel most strongly about this one – Perhaps there is something specific to the aperture of the nozzle that allows hair to easily pass through? If this is true, then can one assume that the spouts for the bathroom and kitchen sinks have been specifically chosen for their resistance to passing hair? And if THIS is in fact true, than is there some agreement between the city and the building owners? I would have to assume that there is at this point and that is a scary thought – the city keeping this disgusting secret buried and working in tandem with building owners and city inspectors. That conclusion is almost as scary as my second question:

Why is the hair the same length and color as mine?

Now that is just freaky, because frankly, I don’t see a lot of people who have hair like mine. Sure, I know they are out there, but they are not in the city in which I live. Who are these people and why is their hair in the water supply? Unfortunately, asking these questions doesn’t change the fact that at the end of my showers (particularly the one’s when I wash my hair) there are still hundreds of strands lining the tub walls, curtain liner and ultimately congregating in large groups around the drain that are IDENTICAL to those on my head.

What if this hair is actually some sort of fungus or parasite that grows in the water supply? It is all the more gross to think, then, that my hair is an exact look-a-like to a type of rampant aquatic organism. Are they now living side by side with my healthy follicles? Which ones are the real ones? What if my hair is gradually being replaced by this menace? I can hear the taunts now once people figure out what my hair really resembles.

So I guess in conclusion, this is an open letter or rant to the City of Chelsea Water Department and the crooked apartment building owners – I’M ON TO TO YOU!!!


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